Forgiveness

When you think about forgiveness, what comes to mind? How do you describe that feeling of forgiving someone? Whether it’s something someone did or said that made you viscerally upset, altered your life’s course, or simply stung just a little, forgiveness can take many forms. How easy or difficult is it for you to forgive? We have all experienced hurt in some way, shape or form. Deep cuts that feel like they may never heal–and yet, we progress. Time keeps moving, life keeps happening and unfolding every single day. Trust gets broken and rebuilt. Faith gets shaken and restored. Is the art of forgiving someone selfish, or is it the most selfless thing you can do? We forgive people in order to release, letting them know that they didn’t break you completely. Is it for you or for them?

I have experienced several personal tragedies that have required intense forgiveness. One in particular with someone whom I’ve never said the words: “I forgive you” to. I’ve said it to myself meant for them, declared release from their hold on what has transpired from the years of damage done. I have no contact with this person, nor do I ever wish to. But I forgave them–for me. Looking back at all that has happened since my last encounter with this person: who I am, who I have become, the psychological damage caused and repaired by my own will. I love what’s come from it. There’s a common saying that goes: “You are not responsible for your trauma, but you are responsible for how you deal with it”. It could not be a more true statement. I chose, for a very long time, to pretend like the traumatic events of my upbringing did not occur. I drowned my thoughts and demons in substances that took over me completely. Only to now be left sober, realizing that all along, my demons could swim. I hadn’t “dealt” with it or taken the time to nurture myself through these horrors, but instead shoved them into a cramped box in the back of my mind, collecting dust, just waiting for their moment to be uncovered again. 

Forgiving this person in particular came from a place of selfishness–especially because I know they do not possess the capacity to take accountability for what they did. If one cannot see their damage caused, how can they be responsible? I forgave this person anyway. I had to; for if not, I would have succumbed to the pattern of self destruction in the name of living peacefully. I had to muster up the strength and courage to say that this person does not have any hold over me whatsoever. That these memories hidden deep in the crevices of my mind do not haunt me any further than they already have. I was trapped in the oxymoron of freedom and imprisonment within the pain. I could not still let this person have power over my emotions or well being yet declare severance of connection, they do not go hand in hand. The only way out was through, without an apology to anchor myself with.

Today I feel nothing; not good or bad, simply indifferent about this person. I do not love nor hate, I’ve made it to a place of peace. Total emotional neutrality instead of bitterness and lingering pain. I forgave with the determination to excel beyond a story I had no choice in. Accepting the feelings tethered to this one act. What I’ve realized as life has gone on, is that forgiveness is an ongoing event. When you’re left with such damage from one human being, the others you develop relationships with are affected by your experiences. The way you receive things, reactions, thought processes, all influenced by traumatic events from the past. Choosing to forgive takes strength and dedication to yourself to work through those things and become the best person you can be for you, for the life you want and the people you want in it. It’s the truest act of self-liberation rather than reconciliation. It’s not always about absolving someone for their benefit, but about releasing yourself from the grip of pain and resentment. Untangling the past with the future in mind.

When you start to strengthen the muscle of forgiveness, it becomes easier to utilize. So, is forgiveness selfish or selfless? I’ve come to believe it’s both. It’s selfish in the sense that it protects your peace—but selfless because it asks you to release anger or resentment that feels justified. In the end, forgiveness isn’t about excusing harm, nor is it about forgetting. It’s about choosing yourself—your healing, your future—over the weight of what’s been done to you. Create a bubble around yourself so strong, it is impenetrable to all of the unexpected harm this world may hold. It’s not for them. It never was. It’s always been for you.