Being comfortable in the chaos. A wildly common ideal, yet excessively under-discussed. A topic that I’ve personally struggled with understanding, and being fully accepting of. There have been so many situations in my life that I put myself in terrible-for-me scenarios, whether that be with people I’ve surrounded myself with, or untrusting circumstances. It’s far too easy to get comfortable with the chaotic way of living rather than do the work to get to a state of being comfortable with the allowance of peace.
There becomes a sort of pattern that arises when you get used to the mess. A different kind of brainwave that gets unlocked, if you will; it can almost be addicting once you’ve let it go on too long. For me, it mostly manifested in the people that I chose to spend my time with or form relationships with. It also stemmed from the mindset “I don’t deserve more than this”. I was convinced that I deserved everything messy, everything chaotic, no smooth way of a happy ending. The idea of “I have to suffer in order to be deserving of peace”. That insecurity spoke too loudly in my subconscious, and sometimes still will, simply because habits are hard to break. I know logically, that that is not true in the slightest. The healing journey for me included self-sabotaging behavior.
It can be scary learning how to set boundaries, or hold yourself accountable to what you want vs what you’ve been used to doing and receiving. I honestly, only in the last year and a half, learned how to respect and love myself enough to even acknowledge, let alone put a stop to the toxic habits I had created accidentally. (Disclaimer: I am in no way saying that if you relate to this, you don't love or respect yourself enough; that was just my personal realization). I was accepting what I thought I was deserving of, when in reality I was accepting hurt and disruption. The self sabotage took form because I knew those patterns like the back of my hand. I was able to predict what was going to happen, but as it turned out, I could predict them so well because I put myself in the position to. I knew how everything would unfold and I perfected the craft of being “in control of the chaos”. I tricked my mind into believing I was in control, when I was really just putting myself in the position to repeat what I had already done a million times. Because it was easy.
It is so much harder to learn to accept the good things that come into life, than to just settle for the comfortability and predictability in the chaos. I don’t deserve the chaos or the toxicity, I don’t deserve the uncomfortableness or the anxiety around the drama. More than that, I don’t want that for myself. The journey of this realization over the last year and a half has left me in a place in my life where I have stopped letting negative energy influence my peace, but have also found it hard to fully accept all the good. Mistaking peace for boredom is a common side-effect as well. It’s part of breaking that habit of suffering before happiness, and fully letting myself be vulnerable to the good, breaking down those walls, and not having to fight for peace.
If you made it to the end of this, first of all thank you for reading my thoughts :) Second, if you have any thoughts to add, notions, or questions, please feel free to reach out! I would love to hear your opinion, or if you’d want to share a relatability tid-bit, my messages are open through the blog or my instagram <3
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