Imposter syndrome around the concept of getting older is something that I experience every year. I recently turned 25, and now that I’m halfway through my 20’s, I feel a multitude of things. First and foremost, I feel very very grateful. The road to get to a quarter of a century has been one hell of a ride and there were a few times I didn’t think I’d make it this far. Here I am to tell the tale, and boy am I so glad I am.
As follows is a letter to my younger self:
Dear Little 9 Year Old Clarissa,
You’ve made it to 25 years around the sun. I know we thought that being 25 meant you’re a “real adult” and that life would have unraveled to be a very classic, adult life. I’ll go ahead and spoil it: we don’t have a typical adult life. And we could not be happier about that.
For starters, you finally grew into your limbs! You don’t break bones or tear tendons quite as much as we used to. You’re also not taller than all the kids in your class anymore. You made it through all your schooling, we visited and lived in Los Angeles, you’ve finally visited New York City and absolutely fell in love. You were able to take a master class from the one and only Coco Rocha and be photographed by Matthew Tyler Priestly! We’ve turned our love of performing into a whole career, little darling. We’ve been blessed with acting in three professional films, both short and full length. We’ve walked several runways for a multitude of designers, and been in front of the camera for countless photoshoots. Being 9 years old, you don’t yet know what a network is quite yet, but you have a large one, and it is still growing.
We have a sweet pup of our own called Hazel, and she has absolutely saved our lives. At your age, we would bring strays home in hopes to keep them, and that’s precisely what we did with our Hazel-Nut May. She’s taught you so much about life, undying loyalty, and unconditional love. She acts like such a little human, and is your very best friend when you get to 19 years old. We get to go on such great adventures: hiking, the park, the bar, the grocery stores, she goes everywhere with us. We’re hoping to adopt a little sibling for her very soon.
As for your pals, you’ve made some and lost some along the way. It is an ever-evolving, always confusing, yet necessary ride that is wildly unpredictable. We still value your pals the same way that you do. They are family, and always will be. We’ve learned to not take things so personally, and learned to let go when something or someone is wanting to leave. The love never dies, but people do change, and that is the most beautiful part of life, wherever that may lead.
As you get older and meet me where we are now, you’ll be heartbroken along the way. It is unfortunately an inevitable part of life but I promise, it will always work out. We still get to live in a beautiful fairy land, but we did have to go through some less fortunate realities before now. Your gorgeous, ever-generous, life-altering adopted mother has unfortunately passed on to the other side when we were 14. We are so beyond blessed to have had the opportunity to experience her the way that we did and learn so much from her in such formative years. We still have the marble kitchen set she gave us when we were 12, we still display the elephant statues, have all the letters, and cherish every single word of wisdom she gave us. Every time we see zebra print, we think of her and how cruel cancer can be. Her daughter is still your soul sister and looks more and more like her every single day. We live in separate states, but we will forever remain blood family, and that will never change. She is one of the strongest, most brave people this world has to offer. You look to her for inspiration and in admiration in the years to come. We were just girls together, and our most pure selves throughout our entire childhood.
Along the same message, we discovered our sweet, precious father was diagnosed with cancer one year after our adopted mother passed. He fought the longest, hardest, toughest battle and remained your best friend through every second of it. You trade positions of care-giver through a lot of the remaining years, and it is the highest honor you could’ve imagined. He lost his battle to the wretched disease a mere year and a half ago. I know it is quite literally impossible to imagine your life without him at 9 years old, and to be honest at 25, it is still a difficult concept to wrap our head around. We didn’t go when he did, like we thought we would. We held him in our arms while he took his last breaths at home while “Wildflowers” by Tom Petty played through phone speakers, and his very best pal James, played him guitar. He was surrounded by family and friends, and he went the way he always said would be “most ideal”. We still cry, and that’s okay. He visits often, like he promised he would when he could figure it out. He’s never felt far from your heart, and the reason we’re happy after he’s been gone is because of the strength and love he has always instilled in us.
I know this seems like such a wild ride that you probably wouldn’t want to go on if I had the ability to tell you at 9 years old, but I promise you live the most beautiful life you ever thought possible, despite all the tragedies and challenges. You know how to protect yourself now, and you gain the confidence to set boundaries. You don’t allow anyone to hurt you physically anymore, and your heart has never been happier. You grow up to meet me here in 2023, and you’ve found the absolute love of your life. After going through very interesting (to put it nicely), experiences with love, you find it in someone you had been just missing meeting for a couple years before you finally do. We live with him in the capitol of Texas (I know, we live with a boy, yuck!), and the job we’ve created for ourselves in fight or flight mode has been an unemployed position since we met him. He protects us, he takes care of us, he loves us like the fairytale we always imagined. People had told you “love like that doesn’t exist”, “get out of la la land, Clarissa” “fairytales aren’t real”, we knew they were all wrong, and as of last year, we know that you were right. It does bother you that he missed meeting dad by 5 months, but he wouldn’t be in your life now if dad was still here. For the simple fact that once dad got to the other side, he sent him straight to you.
There’s so much more about our life in the last 16 years that I could ramble on about, but I don’t want to spoil it all for you. Life at 9 years old for us was blissful, pure, hard, and the most childhood we would have from then on. I won’t lie, I definitely lost that part of us in some years, but here’s what I can promise to you now: Life will be hard, it will have you in tears for some more than lengthy periods of time, but those will also include happy tears. It will also feel so free and that nothing is impossible! I promise you, nothing is impossible. Dreams become reality. Some people are meant to be chapters in your life, not necessarily there for the whole story; that is okay. New dreams will be dreamt. There is so much of the world to see, and you’ll see it as much as you possibly can. Life will be exactly what you make of it. Colors are still bright, flowers still smell lovely, there is a chance for happiness in every single second of the day. You still can’t sleep without Jenny, and dad gave you a new stuffed pal at 23 years old called Mr. Bear, that you also can’t sleep without. You still love being outside, painting, singing, and laughing your butt off. You are in control, even if it doesn’t feel like it. You and Mom have become such sweet pals, your love of cooking has flourished, your affinity for helping people has just gotten stronger. You’ll go through crazy adventures and phases that you thought only “bad kids” go on. We’re not a bad kid. It was fun, slightly dangerous, totally necessary for learning purposes, and silly memories you now have. You create more now, there are more happy tears than sad, hindsight will always be 20/20, and you’ll never stop asking questions. You'll never stop learning and growing. I promise, little me, you’re so wildly loved. In every part of life. It is so so good, it has to be true.
Most importantly: I pinky promise, I will never, ever lose sight of you.
All my love,
25 Year Old Clarissa
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